Stop Putting These Enemies In Games

If you’re a gamer, then you’ve already met these guys, but SomethingAwful breaks them down so well, that you just can’t help but feel vindicated in every button-mashing, controller-throwing rage.

There is a fine line between enemies that present a challenge and those that are simply annoying. Actually, that’s a lie. The line is pretty wide. Think about the gap between our fantasies when we first heard about motion controls and the horrible reality that came to pass. It’s that wide.

Some enemy archetypes have never been fun in any form, yet they keep popping up. Why? Maybe they’re easy barriers to put up between the player and the finish line, prolonging the playtime without enough consideration for the quality of the experience. Or maybe some developers just hate us.

Either way, games have been around long enough for us to collectively know better. Let’s get rid of these bad guys for good.

Teleporters

You’re hitting a dude, and he suddenly reappears somewhere else. Great. You know what that adds to combat? Probably not strategy. Probably not excitement. Definitely a few moments of finding him once again, possibly having to then walk across the screen for a few not-action-packed seconds, hoping he doesn’t teleport again.

This is made worse when the teleporting enemy has a wind-up animation which renders him temporarily incorporeal. Your options are to sit tight while he wastes more of everyone’s time or wail away at his invincible head out of pure frustration.

Guys With Enormous Shields

Option 1: The guy with the huge shield has a weak spot that you can attack from the front. His feet are sticking out. He has a conveniently open portal in front of his face the size of a tuna can. Whatever. He will otherwise be invincible, and the whole time you’re plinking away at the tiny vulnerable point, you’ll be thinking about how weird it is that he didn’t cover himself all the way.

Option 2: You have to get behind the guy with the huge shield and hit him from behind. Every single time. A bad guy that was presumably tossed into the mix to make things interesting has only added one more predictable and creatively restrictive element to combat.

If we’re going to have dudes with shields, make the shields smaller and require bad guys to dynamically move them in front of attacks as they maneuver in battle and engage us in other ways.

Tiny Enemy Swarms

Robo-frogs and robo-mosquitoes in Daikatana. Pygmies in Diablo 2. Duke Nukem Forever’s impregnators. Has anyone, anywhere, at any time, enjoyed fighting a swarm of small fast-moving enemies? No. Of course not. These are the video game equivalent of a laser pointer flickered across the ground in front of a cat. Only, somehow, more demeaning.

Guys With Regenerating Health

“You have to be kidding me. Now I have to hit him again? Why? Will he just get healthy a second time, or is there some trick I’m missing? Great, now he’s healing faster than I can hurt him. Maybe if I use this other attack… oh, he teleported. Of course.”

PREACH! Fortunately, few of these agonising tropes are really represented by the game’s merch (okay, a couple are). So if you’re looking for some awesome figures, then proceed with caution and check out our selection:

Mass Effect 3

Not everyone will survive. An ancient alien race, known only as “Reapers,” has launched an all-out invasion leaving nothing but a trail of destruction in their wake. Earth has been taken, the galaxy is on the verge of total annihilation, and you are the only one who can stop them. The price of failure is extinction. You are Commander Shepard, a character that you can forge in your own image. You determine how events will play out, which planets to explore, and whom to form alliances with as you rally a force to eliminate the Reaper threat once and for all. How you wage this war is completely up to you: go into combat with guns blazing or use cover to plan a more tactical assault. Utilize your squad to full effect or take a lone wolf approach. Rain death from a distance or go toe-to-toe with enemies using devastating melee attacks. Mass Effect 3 will react to each decision you make as you play through a truly unique experience of your own creation.

I bought my copy of Mass Effect 3 from Amazon.com (link is below if you need to get this awesome game).

Mass Effect 3We will carry the Mass Effect Action figures from Neca:

HALO and MASS EFFECT : Brand New Figures!

Two of the most incredible sci-fi franchises in recent history have just released new figures and they look just stunning. Here’s a peek!

The New Halo: Reach figures join an already massive collection of 6-inchers, sold as individual packs, two-packs and complete series sets. The third series of toys from the one- and two-packs include Spartan Air Assault, Jetpack Trooper, UNSC Support staff and fan-favourite Jun, plus a ton of others. They’re from McFarlane, so you can definitely expect to be impressed by the sculpting, paint-work and general attention to detail that usually makes their toys a cut above.

Grunt, Shepard, Tali and Thane can now be purchased as 6-inch MASS EFFECT figures from the folks at DC Direct, whose video game figures keep getting better and better. As per usual, you can grab these guys individually or as a complete set and look forward to future series’ as more Mass Effect games are made and the fandom grows!

Mass Effect Toys: Shipping this Fall!

An incredible, sweeping sci-fi epic, Mass Effect (and perhaps some of the mild controversy it caused with a few select scenes) and its sequel have garnered legions of fans. And what happens when you get enough gamers passionate about a franchise?

DC Direct makes action figures of it! And everybody wins.

The first series of 6-inch figures has only been seen in photos like the one above, which showcases the prototypes of the first four figures: Thane, Tali, Shepard and Grunt. If the images there are any indication, this is going to be a very nice-looking and detailed line. I really am impressed with the way that DC Direct has stepped up and gone beyond its own cast of characters to acquire the licenses for a ton of other awesome lines. They’re beginning to broaden their own definition and it’s great, leaving their own mark rather than following Marvel and signing with manufacturers who too often cut and run.

In any event, back to Mass Effect 2 toys: Super-fans can actually pre-order now, though the figures themselves will only be shipping in August of this year. In the meantime, the uninitiated can check out the game over at Amazon.com!
Mass Effect for XBox 360
Mass Effect 2 for XBox 360
Mass Effect 2 Collector’s Edition

Mass Effect can also be purchased from the creators at EA Games! Check it out, along with a wide range of their other hugely successful games.