Up until a few years ago, I was a staunch anti-Apple consumer. I chuckled pompously at the sheep-like masses with small white buds buried in their ears as I listened to music on my phone. I rolled my eyes at the advent of the iPad, thinking it ridiculous that any person would need a computer and a weird handheld screen thingy. I dutifully plugged away on my six-year-old, virus-ridden and hopelessly slow HP laptop, thinking I was one of the valiant few doing humanity a favor. And then, with my tail between my legs, I became a convert to the Church of Apple. Once I made the switch to an iPhone, I never looked back. Now, you’ll almost always catch me with those little white plastic earbuds plugged into my head while I’m cruising Tumblr on my MacBook Air.
The thing is, once I crossed over, I forgot about everything else. Namely, that people are still actually buying technology that, to Millennials, could be already considered obsolete, much like 2008 Miley Cyrus.
BlackBerries (BlackBerrys?) are. Still. A thing. At least this seems to be the case, seeing that a limited, black and gold edition of the new BlackBerry Passport (which sported a redundant and kind of lame side engraving that read “limited edition”) released today sold out within hours. Cute, I guess, but kind of a yawn, because this proves that BlackBerry, like every other smartphone with the exception of maybe the Samsung Galaxy, is just trying to keep up with Apple. I mean, just take a look at the “highlights” of November’s BlackBerry Classic, among which were “a good touch-screen”, “very fast Internet” and “a keyboard”. Really, BlackBerry? I’m pretty sure any human exiting the womb after 2000 comes implanted with those same features. You’re essentially bragging about being a functional cellular phone.
All questionable marketing language aside, Samsung recently offered to buy BlackBerry for up to $7.5 million, to which BlackBerry laughed, flipped its hair and said “We’re totally fine. Really, we’re fine.” Well, I guess we can sort of believe that when certain celebrities still swear by their BBs. Despite striking a deal with Samsung to sell his last album and the fact that he’s been seen using an iPhone, Jay-Z still mostly relies on an old-school BlackBerry to carry out the day-to-day duties necessary to his role of Mr. Beyoncé. He even lent some props to the ol’ dinosaur celly in last year’s collab track with Daft Punk “Computerized”: “Start macking on my BlackBerry / She got jealous / I was tapping on my BlackBerry.” All that this shows us is that the best thing that rhymes with “BlackBerry” is “BlackBerry”. And also that none of this ever actually happened because we all know that he isn’t macking on anyone, except maybe Bey, who is obviously incapable of mortal, bacchanal emotions like jealousy.
So BlackBerry, what are you even doing? Okay, I get it. Why should you listen to me, lowly ’90s baby with capricious tastes in technology and an irreverent, entitled, know-it-all attitude? You’re going to valiantly keep trying to remain competitive in the market as long as it’s profitable for you to do so. That’s great. That’s the beauty of Western capitalism. But it won’t last forever, BB. And when it ends, I’ll be here for you with a big tub of mint-chocolate-chip ice cream. And an iPhone 6.
(Psst! Tech geeks should check out our take on gaming with the iPhone 6 plus.)